Romantic Relationships and Coparenting

In monogamy, if one partner wants to have children and the other doesn’t, you either break up or one person gives up their dream. In nonmonogamy, there are more choices.

When my partner and I met, neither of us wanted children. As we grew up, and time changed us as it does, I found myself yearning for children in a way I never expected, and my partner, while occasionally somewhat tempted by the idea, remained fairly steadfast in his desire to be child-free. In my late 20s, I had many friends going through similar situations. For my monogamous friends, this meant either one party settled for a lifestyle they did not want, or the couple broke up and pursued new monogamous partners who shared their desires regarding childbearing. Typically, it was considered taboo to remain even friends with the ex-partner whom they had formerly considered having children with.

Because I’m nonmonogamous, my partner and I wanted to find a way to soak up as much of our love as we could while also pursuing our other life goals. I found another partner who shared my desire for children, but with whom I didn’t have as much of an emotional connection. He knew Bryan, and I explained fully my desire to keep Bryan in my life. My new partner enthusiastically consented to exploring building a future coparent relationship with me where Bryan could be as involved in my life as we could make space for. This situation was ideal. I discussed co-parenting and life-building plans with this new partner, and had all my romantic and emotional needs met by my original partner. For time after I had started dating my new partner, my original partner actually also thought he may want kids, and my new partner was fully comfortable with the idea of me potentially having children with both of them.

I’m still a big advocate for the idea of platonic coparenting, and most people who I described my setup to were envious about how ideal it seemed. Unfortunately, after about 8 months with the new partner, I realized I actually do desire to have a romantic connection with the person with whom I share children. I do want to emphasize that I still believe platonic coparenting is possible and even ideal for others though.

After I ended my relationship with my potential platonic coparent, the strain on my relationship with my original partner returned. I want children, and he is not ready to begin that journey, and now I know that the person I go on that journey with will take up a lot more time and space in my heart than I originally thought they might. I do believe love is less limited than most people paint it to be, but time and emotional energy certainly are limited resources. I wish I had a happy ending here, but it’s a situation we’re still navigating. We’d love to keep each other in our lives and love each other as much as we can, but we know our paths may be diverging in a way that isn’t conducive to the amount of time we spend together.

My partner will always hold a special place in my heart. Our promise to each other is that we will always fight for each other as much as is healthy. Right now, healthy means pursuing the lifestyles we desire, so we may not win this battle, but I do hope we win the war and are able to retain some piece of our relationship as I begin my journey into parenthood and he explores what a child-free life looks like more apart from me.

It’s helpful to see so many examples of nonmonogamous couples with children that maintain loving romantic relationships outside that of their coparent. I believe parents that are fulfilled and happy personally make for better parents than those who unnecessarily deprive themselves of joy and make mountainous sacrifices to be a parent. Of course, parenthood includes sacrifices, but I also believe joy and love are in more abundance than most people believe. However, in a culture where the norm does not prioritize personal fulfillment outside of parenthood, joy must be cultivated intentionally. It’s occurred to me on a number of occasions that if I was willing to be monogamous, it would be easier to find a partner to coparent with, but I also believe I’ll be a better coparent with my current partner in my life in whatever way he fits.